Remarkable experience

            I’ve written about being a music major, but I don’t think I’ve ever written about the amazing experience that lead me to that. And that is a very weird way to put what I’m about to describe… It’s been one of those weeks…

            So, I was a freshman in college—actually, I don’t think classes had officially started yet… meh, details (No, classes had started. I was wearing a green shirt and a black skirt, so that I looked a bit dressy for the audition but not over dressed for classes)—and I was re-auditioning to be a music major. A few weeks/months before that I had found out that I was pre-music. I thought that I was just an undeclared major because I hadn’t been accepted into the music program. Well, for this audition, it was just me and the man who would be my private lessons teacher for clarinet. We were in his office which never seemed large because he had a desk and filing cabinet, but mostly it was the table-display-case-thingy that took up the most room. It had old clarinets and the like in it.

             So, I start playing this piece and it’s not good. My tone is eh, I don’t have any confidance, it’s just not at all up to par for being a music major. And then I get to a note in the middle that is held for a measure or two, and it is beautiful. It has the air support, and the tone is nice, and nothing like what I had sounded like. It was just that one note, but I’m sure that that is the only reason I was allowed to stay pre-music.

            Looking back on that moment, I can imagine my teacher doing his amazed face that I eventually learned. He would lean forward and his eyes would bug out. He was probably wondering, “Where did that come from?!”

            Anyway, without that one beautiful note in a sea of gibberish, I would probably never have made it into the music program. And though I wasn’t a music major for long, I know it’s lead me to some great places and introduced me to some truly amazing people.

Purse

"Ow!" She said as he squeezed her shoulders a little too tightly. A back massage had been a nice idea, but her back was too stiff for his rough hands.
"Do you have anything but knots on your back?" he asked.
"I don't think you can squeeze the knots away," she retorted with a twitch of pain.
He continued the rub. "They have to be worked out. It's not my fault your back is so bad."
"Are you blaming me for the pain?"
"Yes," he answered. "You are the one who chooses to carry around a heavy purse and lift things with your back."
Her face cringed. "We live in a dry climate, I need to carry around a water bottle. It's not even that big of a water bottle."
"And at least one book--"
"You never know when there might be time for reading!"
"And sunglasses, nail clippers, GPS, wrist brace--"
"I'm prepared for anything!"
He turned her around to facing him. "What don't you have in that purse? Duct-tape fixes everything, do you carry that around too?"
She gave him an innocent smile, "There have been times when I have."
"No," he said in disbelief. "Why would you carry around duct-tape?!"
"It is really helpful when dancing barefooted on hardwood flooring."
He rolled his eyes, "You would probably look like a kidnapper or criminal. You don't have a pocketknife in there, do you?"
"Don't be silly," she told him. "That goes in my pocket."
He looked at her with disbelief so she pulled out her small pocketknife and laughed at his expression.

Note to self

So, I don’t know if you’ve ever done this for a class or anything, but every once in a while I’ll write a letter to myself to look at a year or so later. Sometimes I realize how temporary or silly I was, and other times I realize how wise I used to be, and why am I not like that now?! Most of the time, it’s a combination of both. I didn’t write a date on this letter, but it was from about 3 or 4 years ago. I just thought I’d share it with you for something different today.

Dear me,

1^st things 1^st: make sure God’s 1^st in your life & is the reason your [sic] doing things. Don’t continue w/ this letter till you ask His forgiveness & thank Him for everything—even what seems bad. I wish you’d pray nightly, keep a religious journal, & read more (in & out of the Bible).

I’, not sure if you’re a music major or not, but never forget that 1^st semester & the lessons you’ve learned. Don’t procrastinate! Life [is] so short, be thankful for every moment you’re given. Be there for it, feel it, trust yourself & believe & hope & above all else LOVE!

Not so long ago you were so in love w/ life & maybe even a guy, you praised God & you were willing to give everything to that guy.

And that’s all I wrote. I guess I got distracted by something else I had to do.

So, yeah. There’s me. Me before I was an English major…

I want to feel

I want to feel

I want to feel real

to know my life is real

know it really means something

I want to feel loved

not just told I’m loved

I want it proven beyond a doubt

so I will never forget that moment

that it was proven to me

I want to feel more

more than myself

more than what I’ve felt

more than I can hold inside

I want to explode

I want everything I’ve held inside

to become my outside

I want to share it all

I want to let go

to stop pretending

that I’m the one

in control

I want to feel like myself

not who I think I should be

not who I want to be

not who others want me to be

but simply me

I want to allow myself to feel

to feel everything

to feel nothing

to be everything

to be nothing

to hold it all

with open hands

and not cry

when it flies away

Cute

Look, another free write! Yay. So much to think about at the end of the year (yeah, this was written last year, I'm just now getting around to posting it...), but sometimes it is nice to think about something else for a while.

Finally got him down for his nap. Babies are usually cute, but they are definitely cutest when they're sleeping. You can't be tired of or annoyed with babies while they're sleeping. You forget about how hungry they always are, how loud they can scream, and how much they can stink--well, as long as they don't stink while they're sleeping. For just that little bit of time that their eyes are closed they have a look of complete serenity and peace.
One of the cutest experiences is watching a baby fall asleep as you sing a lullaby. Babies sleeping are adorable, but watching them fall asleep is even sweeter.
Babies in general are the cutest. They kind of have to be. If they weren't so freaken adorable, people wouldn't be as inclined to have them. Who wants something that isn't adorable but costs a fortune and makes your hair turn grey? If you don't believe me, go change some dirty diapers, watch the same show 20 times in a row, and try to stop a baby from crying. And clean up after feeding them. Bathe them. Read the same book again and again. Hurt your back by lifting and spinning them too much.
But despite all that, they are the cutest. Helpless little beings that make you helpless to do anything but love them and take care of them. It'd be pretty manipulative if they actually knew what they were doing. But they don't so it's the cutest.

Transformation

            I’ve been reading Spinning Straw into Gold: What Fairy Tales Reveal about the Transformations in a Woman’s Life. I find that sort of thing fascinating. I’ve always loved fairy tales, even while I still hated reading. Maybe it was the pretty pictures or how magical they were or just that they were short. Anyway, I think it’s a fascinating book.

            So, I’m reading a chapter on Cinderella and Gould talks about outward appearance changing being a reflection of an inward transformation: “In real life as well as in stories, any radical change in body weight, dress shoes, hair style or length…is an outer signal that transformation is underway. If a career woman with short hair lets her hair grow long or dyes it another color, keep a sharp lookout for the romantic development that’s sure to follow.”

            Yeah, that’s true…

            And I’m realizing my appearance has taken a turn. Last year I quit being a beauty consultant for Mary Kay, but I continued wearing makeup, until NaNoWriMo happened… And I donated my hair to locks of love, which I do a lot (this was my sixth time). And because of my job and how busy I feel, I stopped wearing jewelry.

            Oh my goodness, I feel like I’ve given up hope of finding a guy?!

I can go back to Mary Kay at any time. I was recently invited back, and I thought about it. It’d be nice to look nice again, but then I’d have to shave my legs more often so I can wear skirts and going to bed would require taking off makeup (mascara is kind of a pain for me), etc. I opted not to.

            I have always liked donating my hair to locks of love. In college in one of my English classes we talked about how nuns cut and cover their hair as a form of hiding their sexuality. I kind of liked cutting my hair short for that reason. I never had a boyfriend and cutting my hair was kind of a way of admitting I didn’t want one at the time (or to suppress the desire for one). My hair is growing out, but I’ve just been pulling it back in a ponytail, which is kind of hiding it. And I’ve kind of had the desire to do a pixy cut again because then I could just ignore it—until it needed to be cut again…

            The clothes I’ve recently bought have been to show off my love of literature, but they also are pretty. But does a bookworm intimidate guys? I do want a guy who can talk literature… And the chances of that happening are?

            Yep, I think I have given up on guys for this time period. Sad, but I’ve had other things to focus on. I do have enough nice clothes and time to make myself look nice, but I guess I’ve just decided that it isn’t worth the time and effort. I’m sure guys are worth the time and effort, but I can’t miss what I never had, right? 

Response to "Sincerely one of many girls who care"

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’ve been on a bit of a feminist mood lately. I’m not a feminist, but there are a few things that I do agree with them on. A few of my guy friends posted this article on facebook: http://bemalleable.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/sincerely-one-of-many-girls-who-care/ . It does have some really good points, but it is pretty much completely one side—oh, guys, you poor things for having to deal with this culture we live in!

Ummm, news flash, girls struggle too! So here is my response to some of the things she says:

“I’m sorry that you see hundreds of advertisements every week showing half-dressed women.”

I’m sorry us women have to see those. They never cause body image issues at all… Oh, wait. They do. And she goes on to talk about how all the reporters and sports announcers are pretty too. We are surrounded by images of young, attractive women.

And what about those ads with half naked men portrayed as sex objects? Yeah, there aren’t as many of those, but aren’t they stumbling blocks for women (And might cause guys to have body image issues)?

“I’m sorry every time you go to the beach or your neighborhood pool you can’t look in any direction without seeing a girl basically in her underwear.”

I could go to a neighborhood park and see plenty of guys without shirts playing sports or exercising. Do they ever have to worry about a girl making a move on them or calling them immodest? I’ve had to get over the fact that guys have bodies. Maybe it’s harder for guys to get over the fact that women have bodies? I don’t know.

It’d be really great if we could all just be modest and cover up. But, I’ll admit, I’m not always great at that. I wear tank tops under every shirt, but sometimes the tank tops aren’t made with much higher of a neck line. I am immensely glad that long shirts are in style, but they still sometimes ride up. As long as I’m trying to be modest, is that good enough? Why don’t guys ever have to worry about that sort of thing?

“Not only are you surrounded with a world that’s obsessed with worthless, cheap sex and relationships that mean nothing outside of sexual appeal, you’re encouraged to take part in seeing women as only objects of sex and instant pleasure.”

Women are taught to not take risks—always watch your drink, don’t go down dark allies or anywhere alone, always be on guard. Women have been degraded and taught to fear. But where in the public sphere are we teaching guys to try to control themselves? It’s taught in churches, maybe a mention of it in a class or two, but never as much as the need for women to protect themselves. Why?

I’m afraid that more women are falling prey to the idea of “meaningless” and “cheap sex”. Not enough places are talking about sex being more than just pleasure. Even outside of churches, doesn’t anybody realize sex without love doesn’t bring any good? One night stands might bring pleasure for that one night, but does it really change anything later? Best case scenario: nothing comes of it. Worst case scenario: an unplanned pregnancy or STD. Middle case scenario: regret or you just not finding what you really wanted. Am I wrong?

Porn.

Probably more men are addicted to porn or have at least seen it. But women have more temptation when it comes to books. There’s all sorts of romance novels (with sex scenes or not, I’m not sure it matters). Plus, I’ve read war novels for college that had some pretty hot scenes in them. It doesn’t really matter what genre you go for, there will probably be a mention of romance if not sex.

So, to sum it up: both sexes have to deal with temptation and body image.

This house

 If I weren't so familure with this house, it'd seem creepy. The way the plants are hunched over, looking forlorn. The way the ivy hangs on the house like its the one who owns it. The way three or four clocks tick loudly off of each other, like they don't know if time is passing too quickly or too slowly, but either way its going without you. The way all the ceiling fans are on, causing cool drafts. The way light doesn't seem to invite life. The way dirt and dust collects all too quickly.
This house isn't creepy though. It might be neglected, but it's not abandoned. Everything has made this house its home: the plants and ivy, theclocks and fans, the dust and dirt, and maybe even the real owners

Happy New Year!!

 Hope you all had a great end to last year. And I hope you have even more to look forward to this coming year. It is always great to have goals to work towards and dreams to look forward to.
Right now, I'm really looking forward to watching Sherlock series 3! I haven't gotten that far in the books & stories yet, but it's super exciting! I've really come to love the late 1800's sense of humor. Maybe Sherlock doesn't completely capture it, but it's pretty close and amazingly accurate considering it's set in modern times.
I'm such a nerd, but I really like it that way. And I now have 3 nerdy Out of Print Clothing shirts to prove it (Pride & prejudice, Their Eyes were Watching God, and The Hound of the Baskervilles). They make me so happy! Yep, simple but I know they'll make me very happy in 2014.
So, I guess by now you've figured out this is just another rambling blog & not free writing or inspirational. Well, if you're a nerd like me it might inspire you to let your nerd out.
Let's see here, what else? I feel like there are already too many things out there about "New Year, New You!" and go do it! Nice, but keep it realistic as well. And measurable! It is always good to have goals that are measureable. Don't do "Get in shape." Instead do "Be able to do x amount of x in x amount of minutes" (1 mile in 8 minutes. Or 50 crunches in one set). And make it something that will last the year, like read 50 books this year (that's one of my resolutions).