Body (Part 2)

Sorry this one is a long one! I just wanted to be honest and get things out there. "Body" really is a broad topic...
            I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard “my body is a temple” a lot throughout my life. Some in the Christian context “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” (1 Corinthians 6:19) and others in the “I’m taking care of my body” sense. Well, I feel like my physical body would make quite the rundown temple.
            I’m probably one of those people who others hate if they hear me say I’m not comfortable with my physical appearance. And I’m one of those people who dislikes when thin people say they need to lose weight or whatever. Most people see me as thin to normal, but I see myself as hiding my weight well. I’m 5’3” and probably 140 pounds (I haven’t weighed myself recently, but I know I’ve been gaining weight). Don’t get me wrong, I love my curves, but pants not fitting over my thighs (unless they’re too big in the waist—or they gap in the back but somehow manage to be tightfitting in the front. Grrr) or boots not going easily over my calves is frustrating. One of my friends told me I have feminine legs. I appreciated it, but designers don’t seem to appreciate curvy legs.
            Then there is how I treat my body. It’s dry in Colorado and my skin flakes because I don’t moisturize nearly enough. I guess I just don’t like how much time it takes to put lotion on and then squeeze into pants that don’t slide nicely over the moisture (doesn’t that seem counter intuitive?). At night I’m tired, forgetful, and possibly too cold to spend enough time without clothing on to put lotion on.
            I demand a quite a bit from my body considering I don’t exercise very regularly (though I’m trying to get better at that. I am going to do the Tough Mudder [http://www.youtube.com/user/ToughMudder?v=azQbiz2vm_Q] next year!). The dancing I’ve done in the past has made me stronger, but it has also taken a lot out of my body. When I role my shoulders forward, they pop. Kind of loudly… I’m terrible at pacing myself, so after a hard exercise I’ll not try for a few days. I take a lot, but rarely do I give back.
            And I’m kind of to the point where I wonder how much it matters to try to look nice (which is different than taking care of my body). How many people would really notice if I only had half of the wardrobe that I do have (and I am pretty good about donating clothes I don’t wear often)? My hair is almost always down or in a ponytail, would people really notice if I wore it differently? If I dyed my hair would it matter? People sometimes tell me that they like my outfit or that I look nice/cute, but is it really worth whatever time I do spend on looking that way? I guess you should understand that most of my clothes is hand-me-downs or from Arc Thrift Store (of other cheap thrift stores). I don’t spend money on myself, paint my nails, or have lots of jewelry. I was an independent beauty consultant for three years though, so I like to at least wear some makeup when I leave the house.
            I’m 24 years old and have never been on a date—what am I doing that is so wrong?! People seem to like me, trust me, have fun with me. Are they all lying or am I just not dating material in guys’ minds? And it sucks that a blog about my personal body image goes into this subject. If there are any guys reading this (and you make it this far), what are you looking for in a date/girlfriend? What does “attractive” entail?
            We all go through this. Gender, age (sadly), whatever. At one point or another we all seem to eventually wonder if we’re attractive or think we aren’t. We nitpick about our weight, faces, muscles, build, coloring, etc. I’m sick of! I’m tired of trying to fit into clothing that wasn’t made to fit my body or trying to find clothes that does. Maybe I’ll just wear skirts and dresses from now on (yeah, with the ever present need to behave like a lady in them, even if you’re wearing shorts under). I like clothes, why can’t they like me back?! Maybe one day I’ll learn to sew well enough that I can design my own clothes, even if it’s just for me to wear. Maybe then it would feel like my clothes are a true expression of who I am (other than the girl who doesn’t care enough to spend much money)…
            I’d love to hear what you guys have to say about body image. Seriously, people could write endlessly about the body. Society, media, modesty, trends, body image, different layers of clothing, how it was created to restrain women, pressures we feel, etc. I want to hear what you have to say about all of it! Can modesty be sexy (recently, I feel like people look at me like a naïve nun)? Are there styles that are timeless (and therefore worth investing in)? How do you honestly feel about how you look? Want to rant about clothes not fitting like I did? Write what you want (keeping in mind, let it be something anyone on the internet can read—including young people who I don’t want seeing curse words or adult topics)!

Body (Part 1)

My body…
            Talk about an open ended writing prompt. And do I be honest or write fiction? Do I try to get the message across that beauty is only skin deep yet it is important to take care of our bodies because it is how we do things? Write in the persona of one of my characters? Write in the persona of someone completely new? Or do I make this a week long project so I can do all of it?
            Well, I guess that would make this the intro.
            Have you ever thought about how are body is pretty much everything. All our memories and thoughts are in our brains (and unless they get recorded, that the only place they are). Should we get into the debate about emotions just being chemicals? Body language, spoken words, and any other form of comunication are delivered through our bodies and received through our bodies. Our bodies truly are an amazing miracle (I love the nervous system. It is my favorite system to study, and the brain is my favortie organ)! I don’t know how to convince you of that, but your body is truly amazing.
            Even if we don’t like the outside of our body, the inside of our body is increadable. I take that for granted. Probably most people in good health do. As for those whose own body attacts them, I’m sorry. There are so many ways our body can betray us. Simple illnesses, cancer, heart conditions, migrains, auto-imune disorders, blood desieses, weakness, etc. We say “mind over matter”, and mind is so important, but we only get one body. We are slaves to our flesh that breaks, hunger, thirsts, lusts, and decays. But flesh does not get the last word. Our wills can be stronger. Prayer can overcome. Determination can conquer.
            So really, are we slaves to the flesh that we rule over?

Prior Path

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp6V2OVhXwc
            I suppose we’ve all heard “You can’t go back.” Sometimes we want to. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we wish we could just so that we could change it; make it less painful to look back on. “Prior Path” is inspired by that.
            I composed it in college for a theory class. I could look up all the definitions, what type of piece it is (besides theme and variation), etc. but I’m not going to. It’s not that it would be very difficult, but it really isn’t the point. Maybe one day I’ll explain all that thoroughly as a comment. For now, let’s get back to the story behind the music.
            A week or so before composing “Prior Path”, I had a clarinet lesson that I wasn’t completely prepared for (Not that I ever really was. But sometimes when I was least prepared was the best lesson because it was about going back to the basics. I think my instructor felt sorry for me on those bad weeks and could tell I knew it wasn’t good). The piece I was preparing for the lesson was the 11^th etude in C. Rose 32 Etudes for Clarinet. It is a beautiful piece. But it is heart retching if performed with feeling. That’s what I don’t like about the recording that I have of it—it’s too clean and exact.
            Well, it had been a hard week for me. The kind of week that the song “I’m not Alright” by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY6nTOc46P8) was played a lot on my iPod. I don’t know how much detail to go into. This is one of the stories that I will tell you is true. I want to be honest, but there was another person involved. It was my fault though. All of it. Let’s just say I did something in Junior High that was done rashly. For several years I’ve wanted to apologize, to explain, to do something to make me feel better about what happened. But every time I try to make up for it, it gets worse. There is no explaining why I did what I did because it was just me being a naive 15 year old who thought the world was clearer—that emotions were something I could understand and share but I really didn’t understand and it wasn’t the time to share them. And the only way I can feel better about it is just to learn from the mistake and move on.
            The last part was the hardest to accept, so even four and a half years later I was trying to make up from it by basically doing it again (I’m not always a fast learner…). Well, that didn’t make me feel any better about myself. I hated myself and felt rejected. All I had to rely on was God. Listen to me, you’d think it was something terrible. It wasn’t. It was just me making my world small and with a population of few. I want to rely on God that way again, though. I need Him as much now as I did then.
            Well, “Prior Path” is a bit inspired by Rose’s Etude. One day I’ll record it and post it on my YouTube, but that’s months away if not more. No one wants to hear me squawking on a clarinet.
            Ummm, I guess that’s it. I suppose today’s another day where I’m probably not making any sense because I’m avoiding details and rambling. Sorry. Maybe those of you who are more creative can form the story in your head or relate it to something that’s happened in your past. If I could give a word of advice though? If someone apologizes to you, especially if it’s a couple of times over several years, talk to them. Don’t assume that they know what you’re thinking or that you know what they’re thinking. Everybody has a battle, and a lot of them are things you’ll never know about.

Stop warring with yourself

Where have I been these past two months?
At war.
With myself.
          I’m not sure who was winning, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me.
But I’m happy to say I’m back! I can’t promise that I’ll write every day or even every week, but I’ll try. I cannot tell you how much I’ve missed writing and proofreading. Well, not so much missed it as missed enjoying it. I have a bad habit of sabotaging my dreams. Not this time though. I am determined to continue loving to write and fulfilling a long-time dream of getting published. It’s time I use my voice.
            In person I’m very quiet and reserved. But when I’m writing I can be LOUD! and say whatever I’m thinking. Or at least I can try. That’s what a penname is for, right? To share all my secrets without worrying who knows. No, that’s not really my plan, though I am more open about myself in writing (though I do change some things).
            The Bible study I’m part of has been reading James. Bam. That’s some hard New Testament to swallow at times. But when you do swallow it, it doesn’t become so bitter tasting and you realize how nutritious it is. Well, I’m working on it. I don’t exactly have a Christian best friend I feel totally comfortable confessing my sins to and being accountability partners with (though I do want one and definitely suggest it!), I am meeting with a friend tomorrow to talk to and get some advice from. Who knows, maybe I will end up saying more than I plan and having a breakdown at the ice-cream place where we’re meeting… (biting lip) For good or bad, I’m not good at crying in front of people, so I think I’ll be fine. But maybe a breakdown is what I need.
            Anyway, I just wanted to encourage anyone who is reading this to watch what you think about yourself. In an ideal world, I’d be too busy thinking about God and the people He loves (i.e. everyone!) to think about myself so much. But, alas! I live in a world where I have problems to work through and wrong thinking to get rid of. The good news? I don’t have to do it alone. God is with me every step of the way and He has put some super amazing people in my life who will help me when I ask. The scary part is surrendering and asking. It’ll be worth it though.