Prior Path

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp6V2OVhXwc
            I suppose we’ve all heard “You can’t go back.” Sometimes we want to. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we wish we could just so that we could change it; make it less painful to look back on. “Prior Path” is inspired by that.
            I composed it in college for a theory class. I could look up all the definitions, what type of piece it is (besides theme and variation), etc. but I’m not going to. It’s not that it would be very difficult, but it really isn’t the point. Maybe one day I’ll explain all that thoroughly as a comment. For now, let’s get back to the story behind the music.
            A week or so before composing “Prior Path”, I had a clarinet lesson that I wasn’t completely prepared for (Not that I ever really was. But sometimes when I was least prepared was the best lesson because it was about going back to the basics. I think my instructor felt sorry for me on those bad weeks and could tell I knew it wasn’t good). The piece I was preparing for the lesson was the 11^th etude in C. Rose 32 Etudes for Clarinet. It is a beautiful piece. But it is heart retching if performed with feeling. That’s what I don’t like about the recording that I have of it—it’s too clean and exact.
            Well, it had been a hard week for me. The kind of week that the song “I’m not Alright” by Sanctus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY6nTOc46P8) was played a lot on my iPod. I don’t know how much detail to go into. This is one of the stories that I will tell you is true. I want to be honest, but there was another person involved. It was my fault though. All of it. Let’s just say I did something in Junior High that was done rashly. For several years I’ve wanted to apologize, to explain, to do something to make me feel better about what happened. But every time I try to make up for it, it gets worse. There is no explaining why I did what I did because it was just me being a naive 15 year old who thought the world was clearer—that emotions were something I could understand and share but I really didn’t understand and it wasn’t the time to share them. And the only way I can feel better about it is just to learn from the mistake and move on.
            The last part was the hardest to accept, so even four and a half years later I was trying to make up from it by basically doing it again (I’m not always a fast learner…). Well, that didn’t make me feel any better about myself. I hated myself and felt rejected. All I had to rely on was God. Listen to me, you’d think it was something terrible. It wasn’t. It was just me making my world small and with a population of few. I want to rely on God that way again, though. I need Him as much now as I did then.
            Well, “Prior Path” is a bit inspired by Rose’s Etude. One day I’ll record it and post it on my YouTube, but that’s months away if not more. No one wants to hear me squawking on a clarinet.
            Ummm, I guess that’s it. I suppose today’s another day where I’m probably not making any sense because I’m avoiding details and rambling. Sorry. Maybe those of you who are more creative can form the story in your head or relate it to something that’s happened in your past. If I could give a word of advice though? If someone apologizes to you, especially if it’s a couple of times over several years, talk to them. Don’t assume that they know what you’re thinking or that you know what they’re thinking. Everybody has a battle, and a lot of them are things you’ll never know about.