It isn’t going to be easy

            Can I be honest? I have never let Christmas be a hard time of year for me. I have always tried to make it the best season for everyone. I go caroling, participate in a concert or production, play carols, etc. I have been preparing for Christmas for months already. Learning music, doing Operation Christmas Child, making presents, etc.

            Then December hit. I started watching the Christmas movies, and even though there is more cheese in them than in Wisconsin, they made me want to cry. Is it a sign of aging that everything makes you want to cry? But the silly Christmas movies made me realize I never really let myself mourn for my grandma who died the week of Christmas nine years ago. I have always thought that I’ll honor her by making it the best season because that is honestly something she would like. She’s the reason I love snow so much.

            But I’ve started wearing myself really thin. I’m all ready for Christmas, so there’s nothing to preoccupy myself with. Well, there’s the book to write, but writing isn’t so much of an escape from reality as a plunge into it. There’s books to read and music to practice too, but I’m tired of trying to avoid it. For once, I wish that there was someone who wanted to make my Christmas the best ever. I don’t even know what that would look like. It wouldn’t be a gift. It wouldn’t be like the cheesy movies. I don’t know. Someone does though. And one day I’ll have it. One day I’ll have a Christmas that I will never forget because of how amazing it was.

            Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I love helping others and spreading cheer. Maybe I just need to take a break from trying to do it all. Sit back and enjoy the season.