The squirrel

So this story is very short and incomplete (and probably odd). It's a free writing blog, get over it.

 Climbing up a tree, Sammy the squirrel could hear the dog barking after him. The dog had chased him across the yard where Sammy had been sniffing around for food. All he'd found were empty wrappers though.
Sammy stopped. It was partly because he was out of reach of the dog, but mostly because he got distracted by something shiny. Aproaching the glittering object, Sammy realized that it a plastic costume ring little girls like to play with.
Sammy took the ring and looked around for the little girl who might have lost it. Not seeing any girls playing outside, he climbed higher in the tree. He still couldn't see any girls playing outside, but he did see that one of the houses had a babydoll in a stroller outside. A bird must have taken the ring from that house and dropped it while flying over the tree.
Sammy jumped from tree to tree until he was at the house with the doll and stroller. He dropped

Four days till Christmas

 It feels less like Christmas time if I just stay home. But it's begun snowing, which makes me very happy.
That reminds me, I don't think I've ever written about why I love snow so much. Let me start by saying, I don't think the same way a lot of people do (in case you haven't noticed). My grandma died some years ago around Christmas, and that is probably my most memorable Christmas. Not my best Christmas, but it wasn't as bad as you might expect. It was full of family and a few small miracles.
She had told my grandpa that she was going to get everyone home for Christmas, and most of the family did stay around for Christmas day. She had loved snow. As soon as everyone had made it safely to the town, a light snow began. My grandpa said she was cleaning up the world. And that's my favorite way of looking at snow. It covers everything in peace and beauty. Snow is the most beautiful weather to me (though I do hate driving in it!).
So Christmas is a special time to me. I want to share my love for the season with everyone. I want everyone to feel the true meaning of Christmas. It is the vest time of the year.

Five days till Christmas

 You're starting the day right when you are able to donate a large haul of cans to the food bank (Caroling for cans is amazing!), get coffee from Starbucks (paid for by a gift card), and are able to give the remainder of a $50 gift card to someone else because it expires at the end of the day & you won't use it (okay, for the sake of wanting to be transparent, I'll admit the it was a Secrets Rewards cards, so I helped another woman buy a bra basically...). And that was all before 9:30am.
Now I get to enjoy some time writing in a fairly quiet house in front of a fireplace (Have I ever talked about how much I love fire places?)
Christmas is the best time of the year. It's all about joy, love, and giving. People may complain that it's gone commercial, but it's really not that hard to ignore that. If the commercials are bothering you, turn off the TV and read a book or play a game with your family. Don't like the rush of shopping, make a gift or shop at odd times.
Okay, I'll admit, there's lots of cleaning, decorating, and planning to do, but it isn't supposed to be stressful. Blare that Christmas music you love (or whatever you want to listen to, movies work too) as you clean, and why not sing at the top of your lungs? Sometimes I even dance (and since nobody can see me while I do it, I have no shame).
Really, whatever brake you need for or from the season, take it. Do what you need to do to feel joyful and spread that joy!

Mine

            I was listening to the radio yesterday and “Wanted” by Hunter Hays came on. I’ve heard it plenty of times, but suddenly the line “I want to call you mine” stood out to me. It’s probably not the first time that has happened. You see, there was something that made me realize how nice it would be to be able to call somebody mine and to be his. And last night was the first time I’ve heard that song since knowing that that particular relationship isn’t going to work out.
            And I realized that as much as I would like to say I’ll do better next time or I’ll be better at showing my feelings, I’m not sure I honestly could. There was a time when I said too much, and that is still probably the biggest regret of my life. People always say it’s the things you don’t say or do that you regret the most, and a lot of times this is true. But there are definitely times when you can say or do too much. If it makes you seem in anyway stalker-ish, safest bet is not to do it. I’m still figuring out what the right amount to say and how to say it is.
            Actually, I’m feeling okay about this not having worked out. Sure I could have done more, but I did do some things to give hints about how I felt. He didn’t see them or didn’t want to see them. We’re friends and that’s probably what I need most right now anyway.

            And on a somewhat related note, being single during the holidays isn’t the scariest thing ever! Trust me, I’ve spent 25 years of holidays single. Another thing I’ve realized this year is that I’d rather be happy being single over the holidays than fretting over whether this relationship is working out or looking for a guy to fill an emptiness. There is no emptiness in singles’ hearts over the holiday seasons. It’s a myth. There is way too much love from God, family, friends, and even strangers this time of year to feel alone. Go out and really celebrate the season with family and friends! And if you still feel like there’s emptiness, it’s not a boyfriend or girlfriend that you need. Never expect another human to be able to fill your every need because you can’t fill their every need either! Don’t put that kind of pressure on people or yourself. Just enjoy the company you do have.

It isn’t going to be easy

            Can I be honest? I have never let Christmas be a hard time of year for me. I have always tried to make it the best season for everyone. I go caroling, participate in a concert or production, play carols, etc. I have been preparing for Christmas for months already. Learning music, doing Operation Christmas Child, making presents, etc.

            Then December hit. I started watching the Christmas movies, and even though there is more cheese in them than in Wisconsin, they made me want to cry. Is it a sign of aging that everything makes you want to cry? But the silly Christmas movies made me realize I never really let myself mourn for my grandma who died the week of Christmas nine years ago. I have always thought that I’ll honor her by making it the best season because that is honestly something she would like. She’s the reason I love snow so much.

            But I’ve started wearing myself really thin. I’m all ready for Christmas, so there’s nothing to preoccupy myself with. Well, there’s the book to write, but writing isn’t so much of an escape from reality as a plunge into it. There’s books to read and music to practice too, but I’m tired of trying to avoid it. For once, I wish that there was someone who wanted to make my Christmas the best ever. I don’t even know what that would look like. It wouldn’t be a gift. It wouldn’t be like the cheesy movies. I don’t know. Someone does though. And one day I’ll have it. One day I’ll have a Christmas that I will never forget because of how amazing it was.

            Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I love helping others and spreading cheer. Maybe I just need to take a break from trying to do it all. Sit back and enjoy the season.

Waiting

            So, I guess I don’t know what age tends to read this blog, but I want to give a warning that this is about abstinence and sex. So, heads up….?

 

            Okay, so I finally read a blog a couple of my male friends posted: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/11/09/abstinence-is-unrealistic-and-old-fashioned/ It’s got some real nuggets of truth in it, but it also has some real negative, shaming remarks.
            I kind of feel like it should be mentioned that except for Adam and Eve, it probably has been a struggle for marriages to stay sacred. Our culture has just tried to remove the stigma from it. There have been prostitutes, cheating spouses, and relationship drama for thousands of years. It’s always been more acceptable for men to “play the field” than women, but that doesn’t mean it has ever been a wise choice. Read about David or Solomon in the Bible, and you might not want to have multiple wives any more (It leads to way too many children too). If we really wanted to keep things simple, the best way to do that is to wait for someone who deserves you and who is committed to you (meaning marriage).
            I am a virgin, but I can imagine wondering and having doubts about if I had slept with a guy. Was I good enough? What happens now? What if I get pregnant?
            Also as a virgin, I can understand the frustration of waiting. Losing virginity sometimes sounds like this big, scary thing. What if it doesn’t go smoothly? Sometimes it seems like the not knowing how it will be is the worst. But that’s just a reminder that I want the man I give my virginity to the man who I know loves me and will never leave me. It seems much less scary and awkward if I have that to rely on.
            So, how do we stay away from all the sex in this culture? I have no idea! The best solution I have found is to just be too busy with other stuff (Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. –Philippians 4:8). What you put in front of you (through movies, books, TV, ads, etc.) really does make a difference.
            Keep waiting and trusting that one day it is totally going to be worth the wait.

My thoughts today

            Grrr! Grumble, grumble, grumble! NaNoWriMo started off pretty well. There was even a day I wrote 2,600 words. I the past five days I have written a total of 1,812. It isn’t writer’s block—I’m actually at a pretty exciting part. I have been thinking about this scene for over a year. I’m not afraid I’ll get it wrong or that it’s too big.
            I don’t feel like a writer. And the oddest part of that: the only thing I do need to do to feel like a writer is to write! Writers write. No amount of coffee, tea, or pinning writing inspiration else will make me feel like writer than just writing would.
            Instead of writing, I want to have an adventure! My life seems so small right now. I want to do something for the first time (there’s plenty I haven’t done). I want to get my hands dirty. I want to be awed. But I can’t think for the life of me what I want to do for the first time (Well, I can. But they aren’t things I can do right now with where I am in life…). I need a good jump—a risk to take that for better or worse will give me inspiration. Close my eyes. Spread my arms. Fall.

She opened the old book

Look, creative writing! Yay. Right? Can I get a yay...?

 She opened the old book. The binding cracked and dust lifted and dances in the candle light. It was filled with runes she was not familiar with, but as she looked the runes rearranged themselves into her native language.
That should have been exciting enough to make her want to read the book, but she was a slow reader. She hated reading. The only thing worse than reading was reading out loud in front of the class. She could feel every eye on her, judging her for taking forever.
Instead of reading, she turned the pages until she came across a picture. It was an engraving depicting a woman in a fancy dress with a surprised look on her face. The caption was short enough that she read it, "The queen leans forward, lifts a finger, as if to say beware!"
Ugh. Being alone in a spooky tunnel with an old book wasn't going to help her find her group back. Why couldn't she have been separates with Greg? That kid liked to read. He probably would have read an old book like this for fun on weekends. The thicker the book the better.
She turned a few more pages until she came across a map. She wasn't very good at maps either, but at least it wasn't a page filled with words. Then again, she would have loved to see the words "You are here" on the map.

Snowed

Creative writing?! Yay! So good to start a short story (at least that's what it is for now :) ) Happy readings!

Lola had always loved the snow. She liked the cold--being able to wear warm sweaters, thick socks, curling up under blankets, lighting the fireplace.
But she felt weird liking winter. Lola was a name for some dark beauty who loved the summer and would probably be best described as hot. Lola had never felt "hot". People would describe her as cute, maybe pretty, but never hot. She'd much rather wear an oversized sweatshirt than a bikini. Lola was the name for a temptress. She wouldn't turn down cuddling with a guy she liked, but she was no seductress.
Shoveling snow was fun for her. Good exercise and quiet time. After work she liked walking in the snow--being bundled head to foot--followed by a warm shower and reading a book in front of the fire. She'd be fine sharing those activities with a husband.
Lola lived in a small town with not too many men her age. Everyone seemed to be married or be young children from said marriages. Not easy to find a date here.
Maybe she should try online dating. She never wanted to seem desperate, but it worked for some people. It probably wouldn't work for her though. She'd set it up and forget about it. It'd be up to the guys to seek her out. But how much attention would "SnowLover24" get? Actually, maybe she had already set up an account... Yeah, she wasn't good at meeting guys in real life or online.
She smiled, remembering a post she'd seen earlier that week: "Why can't guys hang out at bookstores instead of bars? If a guy bought me a book, that'd work out much more in his favor than buying me a drink." Yeah, if a guy bought Lola a book, she'd be on her first step to falling in love. But she didn't go to bookstores that much. She borrowed most books from the library (How would that conversation go? "Can I check out that book for you?" or would he ask if she had any fine he could pay? She laughed at the thought). The books she did buy were usually used. She liked buying marked up books, seeing what the previous owner had thought of it. It was like having a conversation with a person.
Maybe she'd leave a note in one of her favorite library books. Try and strike up a conversation with someone. She was better with writing words than saying them. What was the worst that could happen? She get ignored. That wasn't so bad. Besides, maybe... No, she wouldn't get her hopes up. All she wanted was a good conversation about books with a stranger.

Falling

It’s not a fear of heights. And it’s not so much a fear of falling. It’s a fear of landing. Hard. It I had wings, you wouldn’t see me on the ground.

Kind of like the leaves in fall. Beautiful. Then they fall. And they get walked all over. And for some people, the crunchier the better.

I’m not afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of the crash landing and being walked on. Give me wings before asking me to jump. Don’t make me into a fiery-red leaf only to fall alone. Cutoff and drying up.

Want me to fall? You first.

Lending books

           So I was on Pinterest today and saw pins about “If you damage my book, you’d better run!” I guess I’m not like that…at all. I buy most of my books used and borrow a lot from the library. I’m used to them having marks, stains, and sometimes crumbs. And I kind of like it that way. I mean, you should take care of library books and not mark them up. But That’s a sign of a book I love, a book that made me think, a book that I was comfortable (Just a note: I have never written in, stained, or gotten crumbs in library books. Books I have bought…maybe). If a book’s spine is falling apart and the cover is bent, it means it’s been well used and well loved. I’m not attached to the book; I’m attached to the story.

That being said, about a year and a half ago I gave a guy friend of mine a book that I didn’t think I’d ever get around to reading. It was from a class so I had written in it some and bent the front cover a tiny bit. I’m borrowing the book now. It looks completely new other than where I’d made my marks. It feels like I somehow ruined it before even giving it to my friend! I love opening a book and seeing marks in it. I want to know what the previous owner thought about it or thought was important. Part of me wants to return the book before I damage it some other way. Part of me wants to be a total rebel and write/draw on more pages (just ridiculous things would be even better). But most of me just wants to finish the book with as little possibility of marking it.

And a nothing thing I’ve learned from this experience, lending a book to somebody is kind of intimate. I’ve leant or given other books, but mostly to female friends. Plus, this book has two naked guys on the cover (because it’s a Greek Mythology book, not because—well, yeah, there is a lot of sleeping around I guess… But that’s because the gods can’t seem to keep it in their pants. And I’m including goddesses in that “gods”). Leaving it cover up is weird, and thinking about those two naked guys have seen me in various stages of being dressed… it’s just weird. Plus, is there any sort of etiquette about reading barrowed books in bed? So weird…

Finishing strong

            If you’re anything like me you’re probably wondering where 2013 went. It’s not only October, but halfway through October! According to my count, there’s only 77 days left in 2013. I’m planning on using mine well. I talked about this in my blog “One step at a time” (http://onestepatatimelynne.blogspot.com/) and I’d thought I’d share some of my list here. I’d encourage you to write one. If I’m going to make 2014 my best year yet, that takes preparing for it now. I don’t want to waste another day wondering where I’m headed.

Things to do to finish 2013 strong:

1.      Read all of the Action Bible

2.      Finish Apollodorus

3.      Practice the piano for 15 hours

4.      Practice clarinet for 10 hours

5.      Practice guitar for 15 hours

6.      Practice drum for 5 hours

7.      Practice voice for 15 hours

8.      Write 77000 words in Face Value

9.      Write 30 free writing posts (can I get some excitement? Hello? Is anyone even reading these? Echo…)

10.  Finish Snow White section of Spinning Straw into Gold

11.  Finish my book bag (the fabric has the alphabet on it! I’m super excited!)

12.  Get back down to 130 lbs

13.  Go to a poetry slam

14.  Make two more videos for youtube channel

15.  Finish the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

16.  Read The Hobbit

17.  Re-download Audible

18.  Vote (This one should be on everybody over 18s list. Make your voice count!)

19.  Go dancing

20.  Reorganize bookshelves

21.  Copy list of dreams to put on wall

22.  Draw Iron Man on iron for white elephant (again, I need to take a picture of the one I made for myself and post it. I love being a nerd)

23.  Pray for a complete stranger

24.  Do caroling for cans (super fun way to spread holiday cheer and do something good for the food bank in your area)

25.  Do 5 more drawings/paintings/artsy things

26.  Ear training 50 times

27.  1 hike/snowshoe

28.  Talk to somebody new about writing dream

29.  Organize desk

 

There’s many more on my list. Cleaning house, organizing my life and living space, spending time with people I haven’t seen in a while, etc. They’re mostly little things but I think it’ll make a definite difference in my life.

You

You
Three little letters
That distract me endlessly
Make my mind
Fuzz
Freeze
Focus
Run in circles
 
You
Sometimes the most amazing word
Sometimes the hardest word
Always the word
That brings feelings
 
You
Whispered
Screamed
Sighed
Accused
Requested
Pleaded
Derided
Moaned
Vowed
Cried
Scoffed
Murmured
Claimed
But never just said
 
You
The only thing
That will ever need
To be said
To reveal everything

You

Dreams

I love those movies and books that are based on a list but somehow end up being super inspiring. Carpe Diem, grab life and make things happen. I’ve even made list of my own a couple of times. And I’ll find them years later and it kind of is depressing…

1.      Ride a roller coaster. –Check. Finally did that two years ago.
2.      Go on a date. –Ahh, nope.
3.      Get a tattoo. –Yay, another one I can check off!
4.      Get in shape. –Maybe at one point, but I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been (and hating it)…
5.      Do Karaoke. –No. And I’ve been feeling super pitchy lately when I sing.

So… Those always went well for me. Dream big for a month of two, feel like I can take on the world! And  then life takes over. It’s not that reality hits. None of my dreams (aside from being an author) have been terribly big. They’ve all been fairly realistic. But I just can’t seem to decide they are worth whatever risk they require…

Somewhere along the way I’ve become a 25 year old spinster—and being 25 shouldn’t feel this old! There’s still plenty of time in my life to become almost anything. There’s nothing tying me down. Yet, I feel completely stuck.

Where do I go now? Write a new list and hope this one sticks? I can’t even think of what I feel like putting on it. I know what I want in life, but none of it feels appropriate for a “to do list”. I would want it to be fun and exciting. I want it to be me dreaming big. Yet I want it to be something I can do in a year. I need something to make this next year worth it. That takes “find love” or “get published” off the list. And reading all of Jane Austen’s novels, while awesome, isn’t exactly exciting.

I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel right now. If I don’t change my mood, who will? If I have something to look forward to, that’s all I need. Just one step at a time. One step forward at a time will take me any place I want to go. So here’s my new list of things to do from this day to the end of 2014:

1.      Fall in love—I don’t care if it’s falling in love with an amazing guy or falling in love with my life, I deserve to be in love! And my life does deserve more appreciation.
2.      Send a letter to a random address—I for some reason love the mystery and wondering. Nothing will probably come of it, but you never know.
3.      Take a photo ever day for a year—to prove that every day is something new and a gift.
4.      Feel breathe takingly _________ --beautiful, hot, weird, whatever. It’s time I appreciate my body and be okay with getting attention.
5.      Leave a note in a library book—share the love of a book.
6.      Drive to a secluded place during a snow storm and turn my brights on—Simple, but beautiful.
7.      Do Karaoke by myself in public—whether I sound great of terrible, I need to just accept it.

Limits: thoughts after reading The Awakening

Limits: thoughts after reading The Awakening
            Do you ever read a book and hope that no one asks you what it is you are reading because you would then have an awkward conversation about what it is about?
            “What are you reading”
            “The Awakening by Kate Chopin”
            “Oh, how is it?” or “I’ve never heard of it. What is it about?”
            A minute of biting lip and trying to put it in words.
            Books like The Awakening I find difficult to put into words either what I feel about them or what they are about. They are in so many ways meant to be felt, not explained; examined, not judged; and  digested, not devoured. I love books where the symbolism is not made up by teachers but it clearly there. As I read it, I may not understand its meaning but I see it is significant. And at the end the conversations you thought strange or unimportant come into full light. Everything is exposed, and that is it, that is the end.
            And as I finished the little novel, I thought about limits. Is Edna Pontellier too aware of her limits? And as I wrote that question, a resounding “yes” echoed in my head. She dreams of being in that field that seems to go on forever as she goes on and on in the water. She knows the limits and decides to go past them.
            At the beginning of the book, she lives too small a life to be aware of her limits. She has had spouts of rebellion and passion, but never ones that touched the boundaries. And everyone around her continue to live in limits without caring that there is more. Mr. Potellier’s see the world through the lens of business, even his marriage. Arobin sees the world for its shallow pleasures. Many others see the world in its social context—“people don’t do such things”. Robert is the only other one who sees a limit but does not cross it. He sees the limit and think he will be protecting Edna if he does not cross them.
            I suppose that Mademoiselle Reisz lives with at least less limits. She does not do things for others unless she decides to. She does live the life of an artist, living where she wants and how she wants. But she is fine on her own.
            But Edna had already joined her life with others and those others needed her. They did not need the “non-essentials” but her. She could not give that to them though, not when all she wanted was to be free.
 
It kind of reminds me in The Perks of Being a Wall-Flower where Charlie has moments of feeling infinite.
I have never felt infinite.
When I look into an ocean, I admire how big it is, but I do not get the feeling of it going on and on without end. It has a depth, it has a length—it can be measured. I do not see the end, but I know it is there. Nor have I ever had the desire to go too far in the ocean. It has been a very long time since I have really swam in an ocean, but I’ve always stayed where my feet can touch the bottom, where I have a floating devise, or where someone is with me.
I know my limits just like I know the ocean has limits.
And perhaps I am too aware of my limits. I am the one who enforces my limits. I even build some of my limits. If I truly practiced I could go as far as I wanted with music. But music has left a bit of a wound and the time it would take. Oh, the time. Being truly talented at anything times a tremendous amount of time. The thing is, you must decide what to by brilliant at in order to do it.
Time and passion…

What makes a house a home

This house has everything, yet it doesn't feel quite like a home. It's not that it feels like a model home--definitely not! There are family pictures, clutter, the occasional spider web. It is not overly clean but is tidy.
Yet the only thing that makes it feel like a home to me is the squeak in the floor when going from the dining room to the living room.
It is the oddest mix of old and new. The large TV with lots of speakers that sits on its stand that looks like it's falling apart only because the doors aren't closed all the way. The dated railings and cabinets by the nice furniture. The popcorn ceilings and fancy frames.
And now I can put my finger on it: It is the lack of books!
There are several media shelves dedicated to DVDs. Another one for cookbooks. Other shelves with games or statues. But I only see 9 real books. The entire Harry Potter series plus two in the series in languages other than English. There are a few book or binders, First Bible Stories, but that is shockingly not enough!
I saw a plastic Lord of the Rings sword & smiled earlier. I see the special extended DVDs. But where are the books?!
The child's room has the most books--including a child's version of The Hobbit (smile). Maybe the books are downstairs, but I've done enough poking around for today. This just solidifies my belief that a house is not a home without a stack of books in every room.

Funny texts

Thought I'd share some of the other funny texts my best friend and I did.
Snowing in May (welcome to CO):

























My friend is studying to be a radiographer:

 
 

Time flies

I wrote this on Wednesday, but life has taken a couple of turns since then (my, how time really does fly. I'm sure I would write something very different now, but I'm too tired to edit/rewrite right now. I'll get there though...)...
            In a week I will have been writing this blog for a year. In a lot of ways it feels longer. And I’ve written about a lot more than I had planned. I’ve done free writing, but there’s also been a fair amount of “here are my thoughts on life” type blogs (like this one) and a few beauty type blogs.
            And now I’m thinking about how a friend of mine talked about honesty is just the easiest. I have been honest about how I’m not going to be completely honest. My name is not Lynne Klet. I’ve skewed some other facts, but I have been more honest than I originally planned. So, if I contradict myself, very well, I contradict myself. Honesty is easiest, but sometimes wearing a mask allows someone to be more honest.
            Which brings me to time. To be completely honest, I’m kind of sucking at life horribly right now. I tried coming up with a list last night of things I wanted to do in the remainder of this year. Today, I’m back to feeling unmotivated and like a rock at the bottom of a scummy pond. Life would be so much easier if someone came along, picked me up, and helped me start anew.
            Easier, but less meaningful. I’ve come to a point in my life where I have to decide for myself which direction to go. I am single (though far from unattached because of all the weekly commitments I have. Nevertheless), I could go anywhere, do anything. Where do I want to go? What do I want to be doing? Writing can be done anywhere at any time, but I need a day job to survive.

            I want to go on an adventure! But I can’t even answer what kind of adventure it is that I want to go on… I want to live an exciting life day by day by just reaching out to people and showing them God’s love. I can’t see myself as a missionary though. Just someone who’s life looks ordinary but it is extraordinary.
            And again, I can do that anywhere in many different jobs.
            Let’s face it, we’re not all Rose Tyler. Our dream life doesn’t always grab us by the hand and say, “Run!” with a smile. We all probably wish it did though.
            I guess what I’m saying is that time flies. Own every second of it. Don’t let it be wasted. Don’t wonder where it went off to. Figure out what your passions are and where you want to be.

A conversation I wish I could have

The following story is not a conversation. It’s more of a wish for a conversation. I know it is filled with grammatical errors and the sentences don’t vary much. There’s a lot of “he” and “she” but I like it being generic. I think a lot of us may be able to relate. Life sure would be easier if everyone would just be honest and shoot for the stars…
       She bit her lip and looked at him from across the room.
       There was a time she thought he might ask her out. That awkward moment by the elevator. When he walked her to her car. But it never did happen.
       Maybe that was for the best. That was a different season in her life where she was not sure what she had wanted or what she could have had.
       This season she did know what she wanted, but she still did not know what she could have.
       He had shown that he was interested in dating, but dating others. Women he had met briefly and connected with. He had probably not felt instantly connected with her. She had been busy when they met. She did not converse well with others meeting them for the first time even if she had not been busy. But over the years, she had gotten to know him and see how well their lives would fit together. She could also see that he did not see that.
      He saw her as a child. He saw what he knew about her and did not seem able to imagine that there was more. He knew what he needed to, but not what she wanted him to. If he knew how artistic she was. If he could understand her life. The struggles she had been through, her joys, her feelings, what her life had been made of.
      But she felt too shy to even try to show it to him. How to you ask a friend you are not too close to for his opinion on your work? Or how could she lead a conversation into a direction that would show who she is when she barely added to the conversation? How could she get his attention when he was distracted by meeting new people.
      She turned her head away and went over to a group of friends.
      Even if he were to ask her out, she was again unsure how she would respond. He would have to do his duty as a man and pursue her. He would have to show that he was interested in her life and cared about her. She had felt small enough not being in a relationship. She was not going to be in a relationship where he did not prove that he thought she is amazing and worth it. He would have to prove himself worthy of her, even if she did like him.

The most beautiful smile I ever saw…

I wish I were a poet. I wish I had the time to really dig into this so that you would understand. But the most beautiful smile I've ever seen is not to be described but experienced. I cannot put her joy into words. You will just have to believe me when I say it is truly contagious. It's the most beautiful thing I can think of.


The most beautiful smile I ever saw
Was on the most joyful person I ever met
I’m not sure if she is always smiling,
But it is the only way I can ever picture her
 
Her smile is the most radiant and contagious
Her laughter is the brightest and lightest
Her joy is the most honest and beautiful
Her spirit is a mirror of God’s glory
 
I look at her all I ever see is Jesus
I listen to her and all I ever hear is joy
Everything else is just temporary
 
Her unfocused eyes see more than mine
Her clenched hands will touch more than most
Her chair is nothing but transportation
And all of those are nothing to who she is

Her smile and laugh
Her heart and love
Her delight and spirit
Those are all I can see
Those are who God created her to be

Letter to a teacher I didn’t like

So my first thought was an elementary school teacher I had, but I really don’t remember much about her. I don’t even remember why I wasn’t fond of her, just that nobody really liked her. Then I remembered a professor from college. So, that is who I’m going to write to…

Dear Mr. Whatever-your-name-is,

            Students need to be told what they are doing right and wrong, especially English student. You cannot just slap a grade on a paper without writing any other remarks. I know my papers had grammatical errors and I sometimes word things oddly. There is always something that can be improved upon. So tell me so that I can work on it! I know it was your first semester teaching college, and I’m sure you were very busy. But even the TA—who had however many classes to go to—gave notes, and lots of them!
            Also, we read some pretty involved books in that class, but we never really dug in to many of them. We talked about their subjects and things related to the books, but I wanted to get to the heart of the book and the issues in the book, not just touch on them. Yeah, the class had a lot of reading, but there is such a thing as quantity and quality. I took the same class for a few days a previous semester before I had to drop it, and that week was an amazing realization to me. In both classes I read Perk of Being a Wallflower and Speak, but I didn’t feel nearly as moved in your class. Those two books have very heavy subject matter, which was discussed, but not really brought to life. I was not challenged to relate the book to my life or experiences. I wanted to be asked what I had remained silent about (see blog from 8/29/2012) or if my high school experience was anything like these books.
            My favorite classes have always been those that challenged me, that invited me look at the world from a different angle, and that made me look twice at what I had read. Your class was far from that. I hope that in these two years since, you have learned how to challenge students properly and inspire them.
            Oh, and if you give us an assignment at the beginning of the semester that will take all semester to finish and many students scrambled to reach the goal in its entirety, make sure you keep that goal. Yes, there was a computer glitch, but we’re in college, we know we need to save our work. Ask them to resend their last book card. 3,000 pages of reading outside of class on top of all the reading for your class and others wasn’t easy, but just assuming everyone fulfilled it because the last week’s book cards got deleted is not acceptable. I know some people probably BSed that last week to reach the goal, but at least they took the time to read a really long book or write a bogus book card. Don’t let those who didn’t even try get the same credit.

Sincerely,

A disappointed student from the past

Write about one of the easiest decisions you’ve made in your life

       Well, darn. Ask me about a hard decision and I could have named so many right off the bat. I’m good at making decisions hard for myself. Last week it took me a while to decide if I wanted to go to a movie with friends or not…
        Getting up this morning was a fairly easy decision. I just used the last tissue in the box, so getting another box is an easy decision (since I will need it in about 15 minutes…). Going to see Catching Fire with my best friend opening night is an easy decision. Watching another episode of Doctor Who (or pretty much any program from BBC) is a easy decision. Whether or not I want to read is an easy decision (as long as I have a good book at my disposal). How to spell “a” is an easy decision.
       Am I boring you yet?
        I want to think of a decision that was fairly life changing that was easy. Deciding to help others is an easy decision. Okay, I know my story.
       This will sound silly, but it did feel like a big moment for some reason. I was walking out of the library one day and I wanted to pray for somebody. I wanted to tell somebody that God loves him or her. Immediately God highlights the woman in front of me who is walking slowly and limping.
         Gulp. Umm, God, I’m not sure I’m ready for that. Praying for a guy to get blessed with a job is one thing, praying for physical healing on my own is another. I know You can use me to answer prayers and it’s not about my ability, but I don’t know how to approach this lady. I don’t want to freak her out. God, I’d just feel better if I had somebody with me. And I pass the lady.
         So I get into my car and wait for the lady who is standing next to my car to get into hers before I start it and leave. But the lady just stands by my passenger door. I get out of my car and ask if I can help her with something. She asked if I will drive her to Safeway. Well that’s on my way home anyway, and God already highlighted her to me. Of course I’m going to drive her to Safeway!
        I ended up not praying for her, but we did talk as I drove the few blocks. She told me that my name was pretty, which no one ever does. She had some beautiful name that sounded Russian to me. She asked what I wanted to do with my life. There was a moment where I almost told her the truth about how I wanted to be a writer, but I stuck what I tell everyone about wanting to be a librarian. And it is true, I do want to be a librarian. I love libraries.
       I may have been the one to give her a ride, but I feel like she was the one who blessed me. She didn’t pray for me, be she said, “God bless you” and I felt encouraged by her. Sometimes I wish I had gone into the Safeway with her then given her a ride home.
       Maybe this story doesn’t make sense to you, but I don’t know how to explain it better. I just know that I will always remember her (even if I don’t remember her name) and that memory builds my faith somehow. I could have easily driven away that night discouraged by my doubt. Instead I stuck around long enough to find out I could still bless her in some small way. When we are the ones who close a door, God can still open it up again. I’m so grateful for that.

Embarrassing School Story

So, it’s that time of year! Back to school. Not for me, but maybe for you. So I thought I’d write a few blogs about back to/school. And where would I start other than with something embarrassing?

            So my sophomore year of high school I knew nobody at the school I went to. People were fairly nice and what not, but it is always nice to know somebody or recognize people in classes on the first day. The first week of school, I went to the wrong gym class. Not only that, but I arrived late to my next class almost every day that week because I went to the wrong gym class. I was starting to make friends in that class and suddenly I get a call saying the teacher is dropping me because I haven’t been showing up to class. So I talk with the teacher over the phone to try and clear it up. He asked what we’ve been doing in class. When I say football, he understands what’s been happening.

            So, a week into school, I have to explain to my new friends that I’ve been going to the wrong gym class and won’t be with them for that period. Then I have to answer questions from my new classmates such as, “Are you new?” and make new friends. Plus, I had to get timed running the mile because I missed that day in the class. Running is good for you, I try to do it now and again, but I’m no runner. I much prefer dancing or marching…

            So, the rest of my educational career, I always double or triple checked that I was in the right class. I checked room numbers, teachers’ names, etc. It made me feel a little bit better every time someone would realize their mistake and leave or in college I had a friend realize it while the teacher was giving his life spiel. She didn’t want to seem disrespectful and leave so she stayed for that part.

(Part 2)

            Kari’s eyes bugged a bit. “What did you say?”
            “I laughed a bit and changed the subject,” Val said with a hint of a laugh.
            “And that worked?”
            “For a few minutes—then she asked how Daniel got in their mom’s tummy.”
            Kari was the one to laugh this time, “Well, she’s quite smart. What did you say to her that time?”
            Smiling at the memory Val said, “That daddies have a special way of doing it.”
            “I would have not thought of that,” Kari confessed. “I would have completely froze.”
            “Seriously, when you are around kids you have to be ready for anything.”

So, it was a short one again, but I had to finish the story, even if it was just for myself. Well, it’s kind of already been a long week (I have a headache and have been on and off exhausted…), so that’ll be it for now.

“You know what else children don’t know?” (Part 1)

“You know what else children don’t know?” in dialog in story.
            Look! I’m doing a creative writing blog again! I’m timing myself for 10 minutes though, so if I end abruptly, that’s why! And I should get writing (quick disclaimer: this is NOT how I feel about children!!):

            “You know what else children don’t know?” Val continued to rant on the phone to her best friend, Kari, “How to keep their mouths shut! I mean, twice now Lily has asked why I have so many moles. Who asks that? And how I am supposed to answer?”

            Kari loved children, but knew Val had no intention of every having children even if she did get married one day. Yet Val had somehow ended up getting a job babysitting a four year old and ten month old. Last week Val had ranted about the baby throwing up and how horrible it had smelled. It even made Kari want to gag—especially since he’d managed to get it in a bucket with toys. At least he’d missed Val with his vomit.
            This week Val ranted about the things children say and ask.
            “Does she have any moles that you could ask her why she has them?” Kari offered.
            “I did try that,” Kari sighed. “She showed me where else she had a mole. It wasn’t a place I wanted to see. When do kids grow out of that?”
            “When you teach them that it isn’t acceptable behavior.”
            “Anyway, this week Lily asked how her little brother got out of her mom’s tummy.”
            Kari
 

Ah, I want to finish this! Maybe tomorrow. I’ll just leave it on that lovely cliff hanger for now…

Why is it not the same?

            So, I bought a really fun pair of yellow and white striped shoes from Target about a week ago ($4! I think they’re technically kid’s shoes, but they fit.). I was taking a walk the other day in them because sometimes a girl just needs to take a walk to clear her head (I’m really hoping and looking forward to taking a walk later today—hopefully it’ll be cool and not rain too hard!). (Wow, tangent much?)

            Anyway, I was thinking about how I love these shoes—they’re my happy, sunny shoes! But I wish I still had or would buy a pair of red shoes again. There’s just something empowering about red. Wearing red shoes is kind of like wearing pretty or sexy underwear: it just makes a girl feel good and powerful. So, why does bright yellow shoes make me feel happy but not powerful? Does it have to do with sexiness?

            And that was hard for me to take. I love being a virgin (FYI, in case you didn’t get the memo, I like being awkward. I like toeing the line of being politically correct, especially as a Christian)! I hope that I continue to be a virgin until my wedding night, then I’m really looking forward to having hot, awkward, loving sex with the man I will love for the rest of my life! And it’s not because I’m afraid God will disapprove of me or hate me if I slip up before I’m married (God knows that I have done plenty of other stupid, hurtful things. And He still loves me! He loves me so much that He doesn’t want me to continue hurting myself with sin. And you know what? He loves you too! More than our little heads can comprehend). And it isn’t that I’m concerned that my future husband will be mad or upset if I give my virginity to someone else. No, my choice in saving myself for marriage is for my protection. I know that I want to experience that incredible action for someone who I love and who loves me—a love so permanent it will last the rest of our lives. And someone who I know well enough that whatever mishaps or awkwardness or discomfort there is, we will overcome it and be comfortable enough with each other to tell each other the truth. I want my first time to be with someone who always has and always will protect and love me. (and when I say always, it won’t be every second of every day. We will fight. We will have difficult times to go through. We will disagree and fall short of expectations. But at the end of every day, we will love each other. We will figure things out. We will turn to God and ask for guidance, forgiveness, courage. We will never go to bed angry or blaming.)

            (Okay, another tangent: Did you know the Bible says, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”? Yeah, 1 Corinthians 6:12. So that sin you’ve been justifying, it’s permissible, but you better believe it’s not helping you. A friend of mine basically compared it to food (which verse 13 kind of does too). You can eat whatever you want—you can eat a hamburger that’s been sitting in a parking lot or even rocks and glass—but not everything is going to help you. Some of it is going to hurt you later on, even poison you. When I swallowed the pill that everything is lawful, every sin I committed kind of came back up with that pill. I was uncomfortable with the thought that “Yeah, it’s okay.” I don’t want those things in my life anymore. And it is a real struggle to let them go and forget about them. And the hardest part is, I know God can free me from everything I have let master me—I’ve seen Him do it! But I haven’t let myself completely surrender those things to Him yet. Writing this all down will help me. I hope it helps you too. But what I really need, is just a good long soak with God where I cry and surrender it all to Him, and He washes me clean.)

            So, going back to the shoes and sexiness. I realized that I kind of do buy into the feminist thought that sex empowers women. And I’m not okay with that. Yeah, sex is great—in the right relationship. And it isn’t healthy (in any sense) to sleep around, especially for women. Sex forms bonds and those shouldn’t be formed just to be broken. Sex isn’t just physical, never is it just physical. And I was thinking about what culture says about sex. I haven’t read 50 Shades of Grey, but I get the premise. Would that girl feel as good about herself if the guy hadn’t ended up falling in love with her? If things had worked out as he originally planned with weird sex that she just submits to, that’s an abusive relationship. (I really want to start talking about abusive relationships not being celebrated by the culture. There are girls being trafficked for sex, and there are best selling novels celebrating submissive relationships because it’s all fine in the end—he “loved” her. Why didn’t she have the guts to demand that in the first place?! Women deserve to be loved and appreciated and respected. And women need to know that they can and should demand those things, especially from the man she’s sleeping with.).

            Sex is powerful, but it is only empowering when it is done in love. Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t the empowering thing about sex for women that this man is trembling for her? That he is surrendering for her? That he is appreciating her body? That he finds her amazing? Isn’t sex empowering because it is a sign of surrendering, passionate, intoxicating love? If I’m wrong and it’s not about those things, I don’t want any part of. Mere physical pleasure is nothing compared to having that love.

Beauty Day 5

So, as I’m sure you’ve started to notice, my style is a bit more conservative than some people’s. I’m probably one of the few women who likes skinny jeans, but likes wearing them mostly how some people like wearing leggings. I like dresses, but I like not having to worry about whether or not I’m being decent in them (if I feel like it, I’m going to sit cross-legged or whatever).

 

So, tips for today’s blog:

 

   1.      Thrift stores have some pretty nice jeans for reasonable prices.

I bought these jeans at Arc Thrift Store a few months ago for $7. I went to what is my size (as close as they make jeans anyway), and immediately looked for darker washes because most people agree dark washes look more formal. I tried on 3-5 pairs and bought two of them. Like all stores, you have to expect you’ll be trying on a lot of jeans. At thrift stores you have to check the clothes for holes, stains, snags, etc. There is a light spot under one of the knees, but it’s not too noticeable.

Umm, I just decided to google the brand of jeans (these are J Brand)… they usually go for at least $100 new! I feel really impressive right now!

2.      Thrift stores can be a bit hit or miss for dresses, but it never hurts to look.

I bought this dress a few years ago at an Arc Thrift Store. To be honest, it’s a bit big, but it ties in the back so it looks like the perfect size.

3.      Look at sale sections or coupons for shoes.

 I bought these shoes probably a year ago at Pay Less with a coupon. Honestly, it might have still been more than I wanted to pay (meaning, I bought them for about $12), but it was a good deal. I have a pair or dark brown “no show” socks… I figured the bit of contract with the shoes wouldn’t hurt since they matched.

4.      Kohl’s has pretty good jewelry for cheap.

I bought these earrings with two other pairs (as a packaged deal) several years ago, but I think Kohl’s might still sell them. They’re simple but interesting.

I’m glad to be a woman!

            So, recently I was part of a performance that celebrate being a woman and getting out of our comfort zones (I know I was definitely out of mine!), and I realized it has been a while since I celebrated my womanhood. So you know what? I’m saying it loud and proud for the whole world: I AM GLAD TO BE A WOMAN!
            When I was little, “women” sounded so… sexual? I much rather would have said “lady”. I’m not sure why I thought that, but to be completely honest some of it still lingers. Not that I see “woman” as being sexual, but that it is hard to see myself as being a woman when I’m not sure what I’ve done to earn that position other than being 24. Do you know what I mean? For men, the in between age is “guy”; girls don’t have that. Plus, boys become men when they can fend for themselves (physically, financially, etc.). But what do girls do to become women? I’ve lived on my own, yet I don’t feel like a “woman” that often…
            Anyway, I am glad to be part of the female gender. I can lead and follow several forms of social dancing, and I can say I love following—being lead (by a good leader) on how to move to someone’s interpretation of music. I love having hips—especially ones that move for dancing and sometimes for walking. I look forward to a day when a man pursues me and shows me I’m loved.
            One thing I don’t like about being a woman: people thinking I’m weak or fragile. You open a door for me, I’ll usually appreciate it. You ask me twice if I’m okay when you accidentally lightly bump into me, I’m getting annoyed. I am not made of glass and if you saw some of the things I’ve done (West African Dancing, for instance), you would know it. I can carry my own— ask if I want help carrying a table, fine; take over me carrying a table, why don’t you just help with the next one. Don’t give me lighter tasks just because I’m a girl (unless it is something truly heavy).
            One of my friends got on her soapbox about spiritual warfare and I agree. We kind of ignore that we’re in a war with Satan. I kind of want to start a girls’ group that is focusing on spiritual warfare and what we as women get to do with it. Women have at least been nurses, but I feel like when it comes to church it seems like we’ve been told a lot lately to go look pretty or support our husbands (for those who have one). I want to go out and minister to those wounded or stir up those who are in or going into battle. I confront the enemy every day, whether or not I know it—why am I not arming myself more for it? I want to be so much more than a pretty shelf decoration. I am a weapon!
            Don’t get me wrong, I want so badly to get married (but will wait for the right guy. If you see him, tell him to hurry up). But I am going to be so much more than just a woman who makes him dinner and bares his children. I am going to be a real support. I am going to care and know about the things he does, his career, passions, hobbies, etc. I am going to give him suggestions and tell him the honest truth (lovingly, of course). People may not be able to see it from the outside (though, with my current plan to become an author, they will know I am pursuing my career as well), but I am going to be a huge support (my husband will lean on and respect me).
            Also, a bit of a side note, I have been itching to write a super strong female character. The one for the book I’m currently writing is a bit flimsy. She’s slowly shaping up, getting her confidence, but I have a plan for a character that is going to be super BA. I’m going to love writing her! Literature needs more women who are confident and still feminine.

Beauty Day 4

I know the pictures aren’t the best, but you will have to believe me that it did turn out okay.

So, this is how I was taught to make green eyes pop, use purple colors. Opposites make each other standout, and green and purple (while not direct opposites) form a complimentary contrast.

    1.      I do mascara first. I know this is “wrong”, but I always get it on my eyelids. So I put it on, then use a Q-tip to remove the smudges.

    2.      Bass color—here I used a steel glittery color. The flash on the camera made it look super glittery…

    3.      Crease Color—here I used a plum color. In real life this color also had some glitter, which the flash didn’t show…

    4.      Eyeliner—again, I used a purple. I only did this on top because for me purple eyeliner on the bottom would have been too much.

As you can see from the last photo, the eyes aren’t too overwhelmed with makeup when open but are still dynamic. Sometimes when I do purple eye shadow I feel like my eye is going to end up looking like it’s been punched. A solution to that would be to do lighter shades of purple or only near the lash line. It’s just something you have to test out for yourself.

Beauty Day 3

So, 3 points to this outfit:

     1.      Shirt: I’ve decided I tend to be drawn to solid colored or plain shirts because they are staples. This shirt is a hand-me-down (the tags been cut out, and it’s several years old), but it still has decent color and shape.

     2.      Under shirt: People often complain about camisoles getting bulky or whatever. And some people’ve started using lacy bra type things. Cheep alternative? Plain sports bras. They’re super nice in the summer (with non-transparent shirts) because they hide cleavage but don’t add a layer elsewhere. Plus they are sometimes colorful.

     3.      Necklace: This is another one from my grandma. I need to wash it, but it is pretty similar to some necklaces that are now “in”

So, what I was saying about staple: It’s easy to get an inexpensive shirt, skirt, or jeans and in different seasons or years change the accessories. Shoes are something that tend not to last for much longer than a year (I wear mine so thin) but can add a lot to an outfit.

Beauty Day 2

So, I like things that are a bit quirky, so obviously I went for tennis shoes that had lace! I bought these a few years back at Wal-Mart or Target. As you can see, they are No Boundaries. It is easy and really fun to have shoes that have a little detail—a bow, zipper, lace, color, etc.

I meant to wash the shoes before taking the picture, but it’s been a busy day. Hope you don’t mind a bit of dirt. I promise these will get better. My life’s just been one thing after another right now… Also, I wanted to mention that I love when shoes have writing on them. One day I’ll probably write or draw on the toes of these shoes, I just haven’t decided what yet.
Hope ya’ll are having a good July! Stay cool.

Beauty Day 1

So, not the best start for me. I found out today that I have no idea how to curl my hair… So instead I thought I’d go for makeup. The best way to do a bold lip is to put the focus on the lip and making the rest of the makeup more subtle. I used a limited edition MaryKay lipstick (compassion) and lip gloss (Attitude) (both from a couple of years ago…). The eye makeup are current MaryKay colors; I used Ultimate Mascara and Apricot Twist Cream Eye Color.

I also wanted to point out that fashion doesn’t have to be expensive. Not that I’m being super stylish, but for hand-me-downs it’s not too bad. The shirt is a hand me down from my sister and the necklace is actually something my grandma had. Everything eventually comes more-or-less back into style. Thrift stores and relatives are pretty good resources.

 

One thing that I’m excited for (June 30)

            There is one thing that I’m beyond excited for right now, but I’m not allowed to share it… It’s so exciting though! And I’ve written about my challenge for next month with looking good and feeling good about myself. Hmmm. The weather is supposed to be a bit cooler next week (highs in the low 80s). I’m going to an outdoor worship and BBQ tonight that will be pretty fun. I have some plans for some paintings that will be fun to do. I don’t know. There’s just a lot to look forward to. I might not live a very exciting life, but there’s plenty for me to be excited about!

5 weird things that I like (June 29)

            Let’s see here, five things I like that other people don’t like or don’t know about…
·         Hot Tang
·         Hot Dr. Pepper
·         Peanut butter and syrup on waffles
·         Cheesy movies with bad acting
·         LibriVox (audio books)

Somewhere I’d like to move to or visit (June 28)

            I would love to visit Europe—all of it! UK, France, Poland, and Germany in particular. But to travel all of Europe, especially backpacking, would be amazing. I want to experience the history, culture, etc. But this all seems cliché. People almost always say Europe. And I would love to go to Africa. Really, I’d love to go everywhere…
            So, let’s change it a bit. Let me (once again) show off my nerdy side! It took me a bit of time to think about where I would like to go if I could travel with the Doctor, but once I thought of it I knew: Arthurian Legend time. I know there are a lot of times that Arthurian Legend became popular again, and that it’s uncertain whether or not there was an Arthur (or king his legend was born from). I don’t really care. Whatever version or past, I would love to see it.